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| Not only am I such a pushover. I allow my anger to implode and avoid confrontation. Those are the days of yesterday.
School is going quite well. As of now, I have all A's and one stupid B in Biology. Hopefully, that will change with some more hard work. I've made a few new friends this semester, spent more time with old ones, and walked away from unneeded ones. I've done things I wanted and have no regrets. This is the best semester of college for me thus far, and I'm sure it will just keep getting better at the rate I'm going. Too often I've only acknowledged the pain and negativity in my life but that is not fair. I have wonderful friends and a bright future ahead of me. I take full responsibility for all the past crap that happened. I allowed it to happen to myself, I let myself be taken advantage of, and I turned a blind eye. Well, to hell with that. I was keeping so many things dormant to the point where I felt like I was being fake because I couldn't just say how I really felt. Ironic since most people deem me as a very opinionated person. I guess I just got into the habit of not speaking up for myself. Well, it's time for a change. What better time than now? A new year is coming in just two months, another birthday, another year for me as well. Nothing can bring me down unless I allow it to. I think I'm finally getting that now.
You can have it. You deserve it. I can do better and I will.
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| I feel angry and bitter. What a losing battle. | | |
| Im done putting myself on the line for him..
but I will never be done putting myself on the line for others and new relationships.
I would have never found the real friends I have now if I had just walked away and left the door shut behind me
And I say that about everyone but how many have actually put the effort in to prove to me they really want it?
well how many guys have I taken back after confusion.. none.
None have made the effort.
if I truly want to be over it then I need to know that he truly doesnt care.
And you need to know that I'm not gonna settle for a measly apology, I'm going to make sure he is in it for reeeeal.
Yea, I get hurt in my experiences, but I'm able to move on eventually and I learn from it and become a stronger person
If I had just taken every bad relationship in my life and made my wall that much thicker then I would have no one right now.
Not even you.
Why is it that you sometimes go back to Andy Lan?
why did it take you so long to be done with his bs?
Why is he STILL not completly out of your life?
bc you kept thinking that he might still care about you?
If you had known for a FACT that he didnt give a shit about you then would you have held on as long as you did?
i share similar frustrations with you in that situation my love!
Because I know for a fact that if he had come back and tried to prove himself again you would have gone back to him,
and if he had cared enough then it would have happened..
Everyone makes mistakes in their lives
If no one had a chance to realize that and try to fix them then where would this world be?
You can't deny that there are situations in your life that you would've have done almost anything just for that second chance
I have so many of those situations
And so I want to leave open the opportunity for people to realize and try to fix their mistakes
I love and appreciate you soooo much Lan
-A
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| Do you ever feel as if a certain place no longer holds anything for you? I don't know how or when it built up to this intensity but somehow it did. I feel like there is absolutely nothing here for me. ; nothing to hold me back or nothing that pulls me here. I also know that my opinion on this won't change. As with many other things in my life, I know what I feel even if the rest of the world does not seem to. My foolishness has led me to this point, I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I'm struggling to understand myself and come to terms with the present. Yet.. I keep dreaming of the future and farther away things. Two more years is not so long is it?
New York, Boston, and Jersey this winter. I wonder if it's possible to fall in love with a city.
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Life's tipsy turvy as always. I feel really bland; emotionally flatline and numb which I guess is better than feeling pain or hurt over life's trials. Instead, I feel like Zach Braff's character in Garden State. You know, the guy who has taken so many anti-depressants, he can no longer feel anything anymore? Yea, like that. If there's something I can't and will never condone; it's dishonesty. I've grown indifferent to bystanders and those that allow me to get screwed over. I'm just so over it; and I don't have hate, I just feel nothing. Complete indifference. So excuse me if I'm not the happy go lucky person you would like to see, but I don't like being played for as a fool. I also just can't seem to stop the instant distaste I feel. Highly ironic is the other end of the spectrum, I value my friends even more so. How can I not appreciate them more after seeing more and more just the type of people who exist in this world? I'm truly blessed when it comes to that.
On another note, I discovered a lump underneath my inner arm and a few bruises on my leg. I'm paranoid and a bit scared so I'm thinking of going to the doctor. Counseling is going well. I don't feel really lonely as much anymore nor am I as easily sad. I've come to believe from my life experiences so far that there are a lot of cruel people in this world who won't hesitate to screw you over, so I'm trying my best to stay away from anyone who I think wouldn't be beneficial to me. For the scars that I'm still carrying around, it's unavoidable, probably inevitable, I'm trying to embrace it and accept that it's part of who I am. It's part of my story.
I really wish I could be nice to you, or be your friend but I really can't muster anything anymore. Be friends with someone who doesn't care about me? Whose words aren't sincere? You have no idea how sick I am of hearing about how people care, and their actions prove entirely otherwise. Then when you call them out on it, they claim that "you're asking for too much". Hypocritical much?
This is something I have control over. You don't get to see my face and no you won't ever hear me utter another unnecessary word to you. That privilege will no longer be extended. The ideals of love? I don't think they ever existed for me. I honestly wish I had never met you. It was just naive idealism on my part... regarding everything. I'm so glad I'm getting out of Little Saigon this summer. I hate it beyond belief.
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