It’s funny how things end up. One moment you’re still 15 having the time of your life and before you know it, five years have passed and you’re 20. Looking back, I would never have thought I would be where I am today. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just, life never seems to go exactly the way you plan it to. I suppose if you asked me where I would be 5 years from now when I was 15, I would say, with Andy because that was my life back then. Well things have changed, and I would like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then. There are a lot of obstacles that I have had to face alone which I didn’t expect… but it has helped me to gain some balance between fairy tales and reality. No one in this world can promise to always be there for you. Well, I’m sure they can, but there never is a real guarantee is there? Because things change, and people change… and you can’t really get angry because whose to blame? Or maybe you can, but it won’t change anything. I would like to believe that all the hard times I went through due to my past relationship has made me a stronger and better person. I use to be so naïve, and sometimes it’s hard to not be bitter or cynical but I try my best to overcome that. How easy is it to forget that someone you loved left you behind, shut you out, and walked away when you needed them most? Life is not always fair, but with the few close friends I have, I am confronted with the face of hope for the days ahead. I don’t much like the fakeness I have encountered from living here in Little Saigon. I do not like it at all, but I have come this far, and I am halfway to getting out of here. When I look at old letters or photographs, the traces of hurt still linger, but with it come strength. I have stopped asking why and simply tried my best to let go. Rainy days and the month of September brings back memories, and most likely always will. My memories are a part of me. However, it is time to look to a future, without the hindrance of sorrows.
Maybe someday you will realize just how much you let go.
"Then I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be."
So what if I don't believe in false realities? I use to be the biggest idealist out there; the greatest romantic and so goddamn naive. Well, newsflash, I grew up and realism set in. I do not want people to think that I'm a negative person or that I am just trying to be pessimistic because I am not. But there is a level of realism that I think sets in sadly once you grow up. I look around and wonder... was the world always this shitty or is it only now that I'm older that I see all the strife and hardships. I really don't know. These are just random thoughts floating about.
Let's see. So school is in 9 days. Winter break flew by! I already know that spring semester is going to drag on while it's happening but summer will be here soon enough. Italy!!! I cannot wait. I took out a $3000 loan.. sooo there's no backing out now. It will be such a great chance to just see what's out there. I can't wait! I am content. Life is going good. I am finally on a stable course and I am glad of it. I don't think I ever posted my new year's resolutions. Well, I'll just say them now. I am going to try to get fit again, sooooo running like 4/7 days at Mile Square Park, no hot cheetoes, and I want that damn 4.0. Last semester I was so close yet so far and I need to bring my accumulative GPA up big time. I landed the internship at St. Mary's hospital so I can finally get some volunteer work under my belt. With 6 classes this upcoming semester, work to save for Italy, and this rigorous internship program, I am going to be sooo busy. That's a good thing, I think. Anyway, I am getting CPR certified in the morning so I really should sleep. Random short update. I am content with life. Enough said. Yayyyy.
Home is where the heart is... but my heart was never there It's 1:25 AM. Right now all I want to do is talk to one of my best friends LisaD. but she's sleeping because she has school in the morning. Lately, I have been wanting to blog but I find it very difficult to do so. My thoughts are all a flutter and I cannot seem to blog or write in my diary everything when there seems to be just so much. This break has not been very productive in the sense of me doing anything such as reading or getting anything done. However, I have been working everyday in order to save for my Italy trip this summer which I consider very productive. 27 hours a week is killing me slightly because I hate my job. I hate working at a thankless job in this deadbeat town. I sincerely do. I am doing as much as I can to raise the $7000 and I am going to have to take out a student loan even though I don't want to.. But I have to in order to make my dreams a reality. A month out of a summer here will be good for me.. and motivation for me to keep trying in school in order to finish as quickly as possible and to get out of here. Next summer I plan to intern for two months in Washington DC so if I want to study abroad, this summer is my only chance. I am trying my best to make it happen. It is so hard for me to be content here. I truly feel that staying here in Little Saigon is hindering me from the contentment and happiness that I just cannot seem to find. Angst is the best word for it. I feel disconnected and alienated from the people here. I don't understand their morals, values, or lack there of I should say. I feel no connection to this place, I hate the superficiality of it, the shallowness, the fact that everyone outside of my handful of close friends seems to be so goddamn fake. Honestly, an hour of facebook will expose so much. I have had people blatantly tell me something, then on facebook say the exact opposite to the person they were just previously bashing. The hypocrisy and just the falseness of it annoys me. I am just so over and above that. I have been called a bitch and probably a few other choice words in my lifetime, but fake has never been one of them, thank god. I'd probably shoot myself in the head if I was like every other person residing in this province. I know a lot of people do not understand why I hate it here so much. Ironically, I am wondering of them, the exact opposite. I guess I am just a free spirit searching for a place to call home. It has been almost 9 years since I have lived here, and I feel no ties to this place. After nearly a decade, I think it is safe to say that this place is not my home. I do not know if it is this city in general, this county, I do not know. All I do know is, I am halfway there. 2010 marks the midpoint between when I started college and will end two years from now. I have thought about this for quite a while, and there are few things I will do once I graduate from college and head to law school. First of all, I will be applying to only out of state schools. Staying in California is not an option. That will not be compromised. Secondly, for the duration of those four years, I am not returning to my parents' home in California. Not for Christmas or Thanksgiving, zip zero nada. My family will have to fly out to see me if they wish. The same year I graduate from law school will be the same year David (little brother) will be graduating from high school. I will come back for his special day. Only after the duration of four years has passed will I return home, if not more. Why so intense? I am a firm believer that there is nothing like leaving a place you've always known to come back and see how much you've grown. Many of my experiences here have scarred me. Yes they have helped me to grow.. but at the cost of my innocence and naivety. Was life always like this? Or was I just too young to know that this was the reality of it all? I don't know. This is something I need to do. I need to know that there is a life, a world, a home for me outside of this stupid little bubble that we all reside in. I do not understand how people are not bothered by the lack of depth, diversity, and character that I feel Little Saigon inhibits. Whatever. Just a few choice thoughts.
Why.. is life so goddamn unfair? I sit in front of this computer monitor with tears streaming down my eyes and nothing but questions and unanswered frustrations. I can't seek comfort or solace in anything. Music helps but barely. The words of authors that I once read in my escape no longer captivate me. No.. they no longer even bring me to consciousness. As of late, when I stare into a mirror, I no longer know the person staring back at me. In it I wonder who is that person looking back at me. It seems as if whenever I try to go to him for help or what it was that I was searching for before, there's nothing there. It's just vacant. Nothing is as it once was before. Nothing is as simple as it once was before. I am so lost. What I would give to go back to that state of naivety when I thought everything could be so easily solved once I turned 18 or started college. I'm not any wiser, if anything I am just more lost. I feel alienated by the people around me. I do not understand why humanity seems to be deteriorating. I try not to think about it, but that's the thing, I CAN'T. I'm not one of those people who can just accept things as they are. I question, I wonder, I just can't simply ACCEPT. Maybe this is why I am having such a hard time of it. People are wrong and they keep saying things I know are wrong but no one seems to realize it. I probably sound like I am ranting but I do not know what I want anymore. If you asked me right now, I would say I want to be alone because I do not want to be near anyone right now yet at the same time I wish I was a kid again and could just crawl into someone's lap and cry like a baby. I am just in this limbo that I can't seem to get out of it. Everything is just so wrong in this world.
Tonight I am writing in this xanga for the first time as a 20 year old! It is so surreal, I honestly cannot believe I am no longer a teenager. I know for many, 20 is not a big deal, 21 holds all the allure of alcohol and such but for me 20 is a big deal. It is the entering of adulthood, a new decade, and the loss of -teens. I am never going to be an age that holds the suffix -teen again! Such a saddening thought! This past year, 19 has treated me alright. I have had my endless downs and my few ups that make the downs somewhat better. It seems like every year is tumultuous thus far in my life. However I must say that this is the best Christmas I have had in a long time, and this 20th birthday was very fulfilling as well, especially compared to last year's which was lonely and dismal. I got all the presents I wanted and needed; laptop, ipod (I lost mine :(), & a digital camera! All courtesy of myself . Thanks to my hardworking self, I was able to save enough to get what I wanted! I also got some really awesome presents from my friends and my birthday dinner was great; also surpassing last year's! It was just great to be able to be surrounded by good food and good company. Today was my actual birthday or yesterday I should say since it's 1 AM and I went to Disneyland with Carisse. It was super fun considering the last time I went, I was like 12 and it was a disastrous family affair. I ate a turkey leg, frozen banana, and clam chowder!! It was delicious and I feel like a fatty right now as I sit on my bed typing this. My hopes for the next year in my life are plentiful but I remain realistic. I have seen and experienced too much to take things at face value. I really hope happiness and more stability will come my way. I have been doing really well at taking the lemons that life has given me and making it into sweet lemonade. Hopefully, things will keep getting better, and I will keep getting better as well. I got the B in Biology I was so hoping for!!! I really hope I get that 3.8 0 GPA. Eeekk we shall see!
. Thanks to my hardworking self, I was able to save enough to get what I wanted! I also got some really awesome presents from my friends and my birthday dinner was great; also surpassing last year's! It was just great to be able to be surrounded by good food and good company. Today was my actual birthday or yesterday I should say since it's 1 AM and I went to Disneyland with Carisse. It was super fun considering the last time I went, I was like 12 and it was a disastrous family affair. I ate a turkey leg, frozen banana, and clam chowder!! It was delicious and I feel like a fatty right now as I sit on my bed typing this. My hopes for the next year in my life are plentiful but I remain realistic. I have seen and experienced too much to take things at face value. I really hope happiness and more stability will come my way. I have been doing really well at taking the lemons that life has given me and making it into sweet lemonade. Hopefully, things will keep getting better, and I will keep getting better as well. I got the B in Biology I was so hoping for!!! I really hope I get that 3.8 0 GPA. Eeekk we shall see!